It Ends with Us: A Survivor's Take on the Movie’s Pros and Cons

Advocacy

It Ends with Us: A Survivor’s Take on the Movie’s Pros and Cons

I don’t usually review books or movies, but after watching “It Ends with Us,” I felt I had to share my thoughts as a survivor of domestic violence. I was disappointed with how Hollywood and social media portrayed domestic violence. There seems to be a missed opportunity to educate people about domestic violence, even though the movie and the book do show what abuse looks like. In this blog, I will discuss the pros and cons of the movie from my perspective as a survivor and advocate for domestic abuse.

The Cons

First, let’s discuss the negatives. The movie wasn’t clear about its main topic. When I looked up the synopsis, there was no mention of abuse. It seems like Hollywood wanted to avoid the negative stigma of domestic violence to attract more viewers. The more people watch, the more money the movie makes.

Although the author, Colleen Hoover, was upfront about her mother’s experience with abuse, which inspired the book, the movie seems to lose focus on this important issue. This is evident when some cast members are interviewed and avoid discussing the abuse portrayed in the film. I believe this is a missed chance to educate the public about domestic violence.

Additionally, Hollywood often romanticizes violence. At first, I was confused about whether the movie was about a romantic relationship between Lily and Ryle or about Lily’s mother’s abusive past. Only later did I realize it was about Lily’s own experiences. Young women watching the film might get distracted by the prolonged romantic scenes, overshadowing the movie’s message about domestic violence. Who wouldn’t be tempted by a wealthy, handsome doctor? This might lead viewers to excuse Ryle’s abusive behavior rather than recognizing it for what it is.

The Pros

On the positive side, the movie does a good job of showing the cycle of abuse. Even though the message is subtle, if you pay close attention, you can see the patterns common in abusive relationships. Below are some of the abusers’ behaviors that are commonly seen in abusive relationships.

Anger

At the beginning of a relationship, there are often clear signs that things might become controlling or abusive. For example, aggressive driving or rage over minor issues can be early warning signs. In the movie, we see Ryle’s anger and how he handles it. Lily notices his rage during their first meeting when he pounds on a chair. He quickly tries to hide his anger when he realizes he’s being watched. Some viewers might sympathize with Ryle’s anger due to his past trauma, but that doesn’t justify abusing a partner.

Truth-Telling

Discussing past sexual experiences early in a relationship might seem harmless, but an abuser may use this information to belittle and demean their partner later. Lily didn’t know that Ryle would use sharing her past with Atlas against her. Ryle also didn’t reveal his traumatic past, showing that he wasn’t fully honest with her.

Stalking

A boyfriend showing up unexpectedly at your home or workplace might seem like he’s deeply in love, but it’s actually a form of stalking. Stalking involves not respecting someone’s boundaries and trying to manipulate them. In “It Ends with Us,” Ryle frequently shows up at Lily’s home and workplace without notice, which is a hallmark of an abusive relationship.

Sex

In abusive relationships, sex can be used as a tool for manipulation and control. An abuser might use sex to establish dominance and make the victim believe that the abuser loves them. In the movie, Ryle uses sex as a way to control Lily and distract her from his violent behavior. He resorts to sex right after physical violence. This type of manipulation is known as traumatic bonding, which makes it hard for victims to leave an abusive relationship. The victim might think since he wants sex, he loves me, and I should endure the suffering in the relationship.

Jealousy

Extreme jealousy is another common trait in abusers. While it’s normal to feel a little jealous, excessive jealousy can be used to control and justify abusive behavior. In the movie, Ryle’s jealousy over Lily’s interactions with Atlas leads to rage and physical violence.

Physical Violence

Abuse doesn’t always start with physical violence. Often, other tactics are used to establish control. If these methods fail, physical assault may be used. In the movie, Ryle’s physical violence escalates when he feels he’s losing control, reinforcing his dominance over Lily.

A critical pro of “It Ends with Us” is that it does a commendable job of providing hope. A particularly powerful moment is when Allysa, Ryle’s sister, tells Lily to leave him and warns that she will cut off contact if Lily stays. In many abusive relationships, survivors often lack support because their abusers isolate them from friends and family, creating a complete dependency. Having support is crucial for survivors, especially when they decide to leave. Just one person offering encouragement and support can empower a victim to break free.

Conclusion

If Hollywood is going to make movies about domestic violence, they should be upfront about the film’s premise. Some might worry that revealing this could spoil the movie and deter viewers, but it’s vital to educate the public about domestic violence, a widespread issue. Not only is education essential, but it is also vital that support for survivors is provided. It’s encouraging to see actor Justin Baldoni using his platform to reach out to survivors and raise awareness. His efforts could inspire others to seek help and escape abusive relationships.

I’m glad the movie ends with an empowering message of hope, showing that leaving an abuser is possible. However, it’s rare to see abusers fully take responsibility for their actions, as Ryle does in the film. If more abusers took responsibility, the prevalence of abuse might decrease.

I hope that when people watch “It Ends with Us,” they gain a clearer understanding of what abuse looks like and use that knowledge to help themselves or others break free from abusive relationships.

Check out my book for more on domestic violence, A Path to Hope: Restoring the Spirit of the Abused Christian Woman.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, check out the below links for help:

For more resources, check out my resource page.

*Image: Slate.com